What it's like

A long long very long time ago, as a drama-school kid, I studied improv comedy.  The number one rule in doing improv is to always say "yes" to keep the action moving.  No matter how off-the-wall the new development is, it's more interesting to run with it than shut it down. 

Living with 3 1/2 year old twins?  It's a lot like that.  One kid will start making up an elaborate game, or story, and the other will just jump right in.  Fearless. Also wacky. And often funny.

Is this thing on?

I got two drive-by pregnancy announcements in the past month, and even though we're not in the trenches of trying or anything (which is a topic for another day) I felt blindsided. After all this time, I guess the pang of jealousy over seemingly easy conceptions and neatly spaced children hasn't gone away. Though apparently, J's tact about such things has -- he relayed one piece of news without any preamble in the midst of the evening getting-home-from-school chaos and I had to excuse myself to the other room to just process it alone for a minute. And then I just felt lonely, since I couldn't run to my computer and blog it all out and hear a chorus of support, and then I thought "hey, why not?" So here I am. Though I expect there's not much chorus to speak of anymore. And I have no idea what I'm doing here anymore, or where this will go. But here I am, for now, anyway. Ambivalent much?

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And because it feels wrong not to play catch up a bit:

M&B are 3. (Three and a quarter if they were older and counted in quarters, but M is in the phase of shyly holding up 3 fingers when asked her age so we'll go with that.) They are rambunctious and feisty and sweet and fabulous and fascinating. A couple of months ago, one of the kids got a fortune from a very wise cookie that said "You are a bundle of energy, always on the go" which is perhaps the most spot on fortune I've ever seen. They also snuggle and cuddle and generally melt my heart in the very best ways.

J is deep into the career shift process, which means he's gone back to school and might at some point try for an entry level position in his new field of choice. Hopefully soon. Which is wonderful, of course, but also tense and tenuous. I'm a planner, and this level of unknown makes me anxious on so many levels.

Plus, I am back from the land of the employed to the land of the (theoretically) dissertating, though so far I've been spending time organizing my household chaos, and lounging about, and feeling generally unproductive.

And those are just the highlights. Wasn't that fun?

Conundrum

I haven't written about it because I don't really know what to say, but we're in a bit of flux around here, with J's career change and return to school and my return to work and the kids at school (yes, since September - none of this is news at this point, I know). I would have thought the flux would have subsided by now, but we have yet to fully settle into a routine (a side effect of 2.5 year olds and changing semester schedules, I think) and we're already caught up in the flux about next year -- J is applying to schools (he's doing some general stuff now, but will need to transfer to finish up this degree change) and one possibility involves a move 3 hours away to City Where I Grew Up, but meanwhile, and this is what I'm on about today, we have to make decisions about the kids and preschool and somehow some of this ties in to decisions about Kindergarten and I know they're getting older but still, they're just 2 and a half. And then I spin myself into a tizzy and have to catch my breath. So, some points:

1. We're taking the kids for developmental evals at the end of the month, because they're free and because B is a bit, um, atypical in some of his social development. The guest speakers at my moms of twins club meeting this month were a language specialist and an occupational therapist, and based on some things they said and the experiences of another mom in the club, it sounds like B might have some sensory integration issues and we could be doing more to help him manage them. So that's thing #1.

2. I mentioned the above to the preschool teacher, who has noted B's behavior in the past, and she was thrilled that we were getting him evaluated and went on about her own son's experiences with OT and how it helped. I knew there were some similarities, but I think she's also seeing B through the lens of her experience with her son, which is both useful and not.

3. It's summer enrollment time at the school, and we may try separating the kids - just for the summer - to see how that works. B would remain with the younger 2s in their current class, and M would move to the next oldest class. They'd each still have some kids they already know in the class, and some new. They'd also still have a lot of together time since the two classes overlap on their outdoor time. Not sure yet what we'd do for fall - this is a whole huge issue that has a bit to do with whether we're expecting them to start kindergarten (which I keep starting to type as preschool because I'm not even familiar with the K word!) at a young age 5 (they have a late-July birthday) or at a young age 6. The preschool has 4 classes, and the last functions as a pre-K, so there's a desire to make sure they get that experience at the right point. Because it's a small school, our only option for keeping them separated in the Fall would be for B to move to M's summer class and M to move to the next class (the 3rd "level", though not a full year's leap in age) - legitimate from an age perspective, but potentially setting them up to be in different grades, which is not something I want to consider. Or they spend the summer separate but then end up in the same class again come Fall.

I can't believe that I have to start thinking about their Kindergarten readiness at this point, and I can't even do that obsessive thing where I start researching the local schools because even if we stay where we are for J's next round of schooling, chances are VERY high that we'd be moving before Kindergarten anyway. And if we're going to keep the kids together, which way do we go -- do we start them early because M would likely be ready at 5 or wait to be sure B is ready at 6? (Probably the latter, but both are strong cognitively and I don't want them to be bored or not sufficiently challenged because we're judging their 5 year old selves at age 2. If that makes sense.)

And of course, the school needs to know - probably today - how we want to handle summer enrollments.

Gah. Once I start writing it out, it seems to get more complicated. And while my local moms of twins club is nice, we seem to lose members as their kids reach school age, so I don't have a lot of any personal reference points on things like separating twins or navigating gender-related developmental differences. Our details are specific, but the general questions shouldn't be unique. And yet, I'm feeling like I don't have any models for this. Anyone?

On Weaning

For the record, because not enough people talk about this stuff...

I nursed M & B until they were 28 months old. I had thought I'd try for a year, or maybe 18 months, but they really loved to nurse, and it was one of the few times when I could snuggle with both of them and just have a moment of relative peace and quiet. Except for the times they were busy hitting each other or putting their hands on the other kid's side. In the end, I had a business trip as a deadline - though as we were weaning I thought it was entirely possible that they'd make it through my trip and then go right back to nursing.

To wean, I tried cutting out feedings when I could - getting up in the morning and going straight to a cup of milk or breakfast at the table, for example. I also started limiting the time we nursed - agreeing to nurse for the count of 10, for example, or for just 2 minutes. Basically, I started putting limits on the nursing as a way to take back some control.

After we weaned, there were still a couple of times that B asked to nurse, and I was generally able to just offer him a cup of milk instead. One time after my business trip he was insistent, so I finally agreed to let him nurse "for the count of two". He got face to face with my boob, then... nothing. He seemed stumped about what to do next. I guess he forgot how. :) That's when I knew we were really truly done.

Now I need to go bra shopping!

various and sundry

I have a bunch of muckity muck floating around in my head - the typical 2.5 year old twin chaos, sleep suckage, behavior (theirs and mine) and much more - but it's been a while, and I don't want to launch right in to the suckfest as if that's all there is. So instead, I bring you the following:

• Both kids, but especially M, sometimes say they don't like Daddy because he has a beard. And they like me because I don't. Sometimes they LIKE the beard, though.
  
• Also, the thing over his lip is called a "mus-lip"
  
• M calls bicycles "bike-a-cils"
• M has started asking questions, with a slight up-lilt at the end

Back to school today after two weeks of vacation, including a trip to snowed-in Seattle, a dearth of naps, and a mouse in the house. I've never been so excited for a vacation to end.

Conundrum

If while conducting a search for a summer nanny for your toddler twins, you discover (through the first link on a simple Google search that even your grandmother could have done) that one prospective candidate has been featured on a website featuring shots of sorority girls on display for frat boys to oogle, but said candidate would otherwise be a potential match, do you:

a) ignore the soft-porn, and interview anyway
b) politely inform the student that she might want to rethink such ventures in the future
c) eat a pint of ice cream and bemoan your post-twin flab (and really, your pre-twin flab, too)
d) browse the past archives of the site to see if she's featured in her undies, in a faux-lesbian encounter, or just in a bikini on the beach (all of which seem to be frequent settings).

While I was never the sorority type (I went to a school that didn't officially have any, though really we did), lots of woman are in sororities, and apparently some of them submit pictures of themselves in various stages of undress (apparently, pictures of sorority girls peeing are a hot thing - who knew?). So am I just insecure because she's a college student with a hot body and I'm, well, not? (For comparison, our last fabulous sitter was a college student with a nice very-round body. Which is, of course, not why we hired her.) Why is this bugging me?

And what is this post going to do to my google search results?

Whose children are these?

On the one hand, I'm not sure they're mine.

Point 1: Based on their 18 month measurements and this height predictor (via Stacie), B-Boy is going to be 6'2" tall, and Miss M will be 5'6". I am 5'1" (on a good day). J is 5'9ish. J said, I am trying to picture him standing eye to eye with me and all I could do was crane my neck (and cry a little at even the thought of my baby boy being a grown man someday).

Point 2: Miss M learned a new word today. Broom she said, after I swept up a bit of a mess in the backyard. And then made me sweep some more. Yes, it appears that my kids are into cleaning. MissM also likes to wipe and sponge. And yes, I know that's developmentally good, and all that, but it's not like I generally model cleaning for them. Ha. As if.

On the other hand, well, of course they're mine. And how.

Point 3: Miss M seemed fascinated as she watched me flip my head over to put mousse in my (curly) hair this morning. So I put a dab in her hair, too, and her curls lasted longer than usual. I'm sure there's some reason I shouldn't put product in her hair though, right?

Point 4: B-Boy is now the less-than-thrilled owner of his very own nebulizer. Poor boy seems to have inherited my lungs. Both kids have had a cold, and when we were in for their 18 month "well child" visit yesterday our pediatrician confirmed that he's wheezing and put him on meds. Which would help more if I could get them into him. How do you get an 18 month old to sit relatively still through a nebulizer treatment? It's not like it's fast. The pediatrician suggested that we do the treatments in front of the TV (yes, we have doctor's orders to put our under-2-year-old in front of the TV!) but it's not really helping. The machine is LOUD, and TV is only a minor distraction. So, any ideas? We'll probably only have a couple more treatments for now, but I expect we'll need them almost every time he gets a cold - that's generally my pattern, too.

Things that make me go "awwwww"

M woke up from her nap today in a good mood. Sometimes she wakes up crying. Today she started talking: "Ma Ma Ma Ma" and when I went to get her, she said "Hi!"

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We have regular nursing spots - in the nursery and in the living room. Today, when B wanted to nurse (less than an hour after the last time, and right as we were trying to get dinner on the table...) he pulled me over to the couch and pulled down the pillows I use to get comfy - one to sit on and one for my back. And then he patted the pillow, as if to say "sit here!"

This thing we do, here

Mommyblogging, or whatever it is I do now, is hard. When I was writing about infertility, it seemed more like a story, with at least some semblance of a beginning, a middle, and an end. I didn't start writing until the middle, but I backed up to tell the beginning, and clearly I ended up with a happy ending. But writing about mothering, or within mothering, somehow seems harder. Maybe in the beginning of a story you don't yet recognize it as a story and so you can't really think about it as such until at least the middle, if not the end? Or maybe day to day life is a series of small stories, not a big one. Or maybe I'm so caught up in the tremendous importance of the story, and in feeling like I have the power to control it (as delusional as that may be) that I can't even start. Whatever it is, I've been blogging a lot less than I'd like. I feel like either I need to give it up or I need to give it more. So I'm going to try more.

I've also been teetering on the edge of a rather unpleasant fog of depression, which probably has something to do with my inability to focus, or to put words to paper (er, fingers to keyboard?). And at the moment, we're all sick, which doesn't help matters. But there's more to it than just that, I think. I'm just not sure what.

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Sweet moments of baby sickness:

Sadly, neither kid really knows how to blow their noses. (When do they learn that, anyway? It's tremendously useful.) But, after watching me snuffle and snort into tissues, B can now pretend to blow his nose - he'll hold the tissue to his nose, then make a snuffly nose-blowing sound with his mouth. Weird, but bizarrely cute.

PSA

I have it on good authority - mine - that if you’re looking for something high fiber, something that will go right through your kids, that brown rice is a good idea. If, on the other hand, you’re not....

Ah, the joys of cloth diapering.

The Good, The Bad, and yeah, that's Ugly

The Good: Both kiddos, but especially M, have started climbing into our laps to cuddle or read. It’s so cute it almost hurts.

The Bad: We all have a cold. And our sitter is out of town this week (on a cruise - the nerve!). And J’s had to work way more than usual - which is especially frustrating since we knew the sitter was going to be away, and so he was supposed to try to take some time off so I could get a break and, you know, do some actual work.

The Ugly: In the past few days, MissM has developed a new behavior. When she’s really upset, she cries until she’s coughing, then she sticks her fingers in her mouth, gags herself, and throws up. I don’t know about the first time, but at this point I’m pretty sure it’s intentional. It’s a hard thing to ignore - I don’t really want her to throw up, and once she does, I can’t really just leave her in her crib or wherever covered in vomit. It seems to happen most when she’s tired - she did it yesterday to protest being strapped into her carseat after a long morning visiting J at work (because I had a meeting I had to go to) and way past her nap. And not even five minutes later she was sound asleep. My quick googling found one source telling me it’s a developmental/behavioral thing and to ignore it, and another telling me it might be the sign of a serious medical problem. (Though that one seems to be more about vomiting after eating, and that’s not really what she’s doing.) Oh, what to think? And how long before I just call the pediatrician?

(I called a couple of days ago to get the ped’s advice about decongestants. Yes, I know they’ve been recalled, but so far as I can tell, it’s because people were misusing cold medicine - especially the multi-symptom kind - and misdosing. When the kiddos are super-stuffy at night, a dose of decongestant is sometimes the only thing that helps. I got a callback from a nurse instead, who gave me the official line about how they’re not recommending any cold medicine to kids under 2, and then helped me confirm the correct dosage. So there’s that.)

Like a Light (Switch)

They go from awake and babbling (or, um, crying) to asleep instantly. It really is like flipping a switch.

Of course, they also go the other way - from peacefully sleeping to loud wails - just as fast. And more and more often, lately.

Much miscellany

Maybe I can finally manage a post if I just use bullet points:

• These are not babies anymore - they’re toddlers. Walking, climbing, exploring. It’s great - and SO exhausting.
  
• They can find their belly buttons all the time, and mine too. And ears, and noses. And tongues, which is super cute.
  
• At 15 months I’m starting to buy 24mo clothes for B - mostly things like pajamas where they can be a bit long right now, but it’s not far off. And now I have to figure out where they’re going to sleep at Thanksgiving (at my in-laws), since I think he’ll have exceeded the weight limit on a pack and play by then!
  
• They are firmly in the pull-everything-off-the-shelves stage. And every day they can reach things I thought were safe, so constant vigilance is necessary.
  
• Our babysitter is back, and life on that front is so good. They love her. It’s a good thing I do too, or I’d be a bit jealous. She’s the star attraction.
  
• I’m back to some aspect of my feelings of parental inadequacy. In the early days, I couldn’t comprehend managing both babies alone so when anyone else did it made me feel that much less competent. Now I have trouble feeling comfortable taking both babies outside, for example, but the babysitter is fine with it.
  
• We’re taking a sort of mommy and me class at one of the local temples once a week. Not sure what I think of it so far - half the other moms in the class are moms from my playgroup, so I already know them and their idiosyncracies. But I guess it’s good to get out and do it.
  
• Another of the playgroup moms is pregnant - and the first is due pretty soon. And we recently got three more “second-baby” announcements from other friends. I’m sure I have more to say about that, at some point.
  
• I’m working part-time and trying to get my head back to my research so I can finish my degree. It’s been so long since I’ve worked that I might end up with an entirely new topic. Got any good ideas for a dissertation?
  
• Our local Moms of Twins club Fall/Halloween party is this weekend. Which is nice since most everything else has been cancelled this week. Have I mentioned that I live in San Diego? The kiddos will be dressing as train engineers (stripey overalls, red bandanas, hats - if they’ll keep them on). They wore them to a pumpkin patch already and terrorized the chickens and bunnies in the petting zoo.
  
• That was a longer list than I was expecting. I guess it’s been a while.
  

I’ve been working on this list for like a month now. I miss blogging. I read, and sometimes even comment, but it’s rather one sided. So I’m going to try. A bit. And hopefully more than just bullet points.I guess I just really needed to get caught up. I’ll try harder - less with the baby updates, maybe, since that gets out of date so quickly and then I just feel lame. I already can’t keep up with the baby books.

If I wait for perfection, I'll never post anything, ever.

Playtime

Of course I think my kids are extraordinary, but in general I know they're pretty typical. Which is good - developmentally they're pretty much right on track. Both are walking (M more smoothly than B, but she also had a couple of week's head start) and into everything. And temperamental - they want what they want, when they want it (now - always now). And playful, both with the nice toys that we and their grandparents have provided -- the wooden play cube is a big hit, as is the somewhat annoying electronic play table (thank you craigslist) and various push wagons and blocks and puzzles and books -- and with whatever they can get their hands on. Tupperware drawer? Love it love it love it. Wooden spoons, metal bowls, paper slipped from a shelf that used to be out of reach? All fun. And today they came across a box of miscellaneous nursing and pumping supplies. Apparently, the "horns" for my old hospital-grade pump are excellent toys that have been in high demand ever since. Who knew?

The $10,000 Question* (Updated @ end)

Welcome, Akeeyu, to the world of stupid twin-parent questions. It’s lovely here. Really.

We just got back from a week’s vacation with the in-laws. They rented a house in a mellow mountain town, and we mostly just hung out and played with the kids. Midweek, I managed to pinch a nerve in my neck, or throw something out of alignment - whatever it was, it hurt. I couldn’t find a local chiropractor with availablility that day, so J booked a massage for me at the local “day spa.”

I was already a bit unsure about the massage therapist when I met her and she had a weak handshake. I don’t know about you, but I generally think of hand strength as a good thing in a massage. But my whole neck and upper back had tightened up around this spot, so I stripped down and settled myself on the table. She starts working, and making small talk - where are you visiting from? how did you hurt your back? I said I was playing with my one-year-old twins, and she said... “Oh, are they natural or did you use drugs?”

Yeah. Because that makes for a relaxing massage. I said, “We were lucky” though that answer totally feels like a cop out on a number of levels (although it’s true, we were - are - lucky). And then she said, “I lost a set of twins.” And what do you say to that? Especially when laying naked under a sheet in a room with a virtual stranger. “Um, I’m sorry.” **

But otherwise it was a lovely vacation, and my babysitter is back in town (halleluyah!) so maybe I’ll actually find a few minutes here and there to write. And shave my legs. And pee in peace. You know, the little things.

* As in, If I had a nickel for every time I’d been asked the question, I’d sure be richer now.

** UPDATE: Not that it lessens the pain any, but this woman's kids are in their late 20s or early 30s, so any loss was a long time ago. The vibe I got was that it was a miscarriage, though I don't know why I think that. I'm not saying that makes it less painful - god how we all know that - just that it wasn't quite as fresh as it might sound. And the massage was only mediocre, so I got more caught up in that than her potential loss. Sometimes I am incredibly selfish. Perhaps a conversation for another time - the balance between being a compassionate person, and being granted an hour of blissful and mindless relaxation.