Sunday, October 23, 2005

Starry starry list

I’ve been following, with interest, the various discussions about pregnant infertile bloggers. I get the whole survivor’s guilt thing. And the not knowing how to talk about it. Heck, I'm not even sure how to talk about my impending IVF. But I also get the desire to follow the story, to maintain the connection. Pregnant infertiles (and infertile moms) are like little rays of hope - reminding me that pregnancy and motherhood are possible, and achievable in many ways, and that’s encouraging and inspiring. It’s also painful, sometimes. And that’s okay, too. I want to know that the stories are there. Most of the time, I want to keep up with the details - the news, the progress, the ups and downs. Sometimes, when I’m not feeling particularly strong, I want to take a break from those stories. But even then, knowing the stories are out there when I’m ready to pick them up again helps me envision a place beyond where I am right now.

You may have noticed that I’ve recently annotated my blogroll. I know this sort of reorganizing is sometimes contentious, but in the interests of self-preservation, it was something I had to do. I didn’t want to break up the blogroll, but on those days when I’m feeling really fragile, I wanted a way to remind myself to tread cautiously. Some days, I’m fragile hearing about pregnancy symptoms. Some days it’s baby stories. I don’t want to stop reading these stories. I feel incredibly invested in their outcomes. But I need to be able to control how and when I catch up. Hence the star system. [I’ve indicated pregnant bloggers with a * (generally waiting until well into the pregnancy to do so, as much for superstitious reasons as anything else). I’ve indicated blogs that are largely about babies with two **. ] It’s rough, and it may change with time (hearing about babies - at least those whose conception was not taken for granted - is sometimes uplifting, actually) but for now it’s my imperfect attempt to buffer the world I’m in from the one I long to join. It’s also my way of putting a warning on blogs so those bloggers don’t need to warn me each time a post contains mention of pregnancy. Because, really, once you’re pregnant it seems reasonable that many of your posts would contain mention of pregnancy.

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Oh, and the pregnant friend whose impending delivery I mentioned in my last post? She delivered a healthy, HUGE (really, majorly huge) baby by c-section a couple of days ago. I was fine, initially. Caught up in the sheer size of the infant. And then I went to look at the pictures, and found a chronicle of the whole pregnancy, and comments from the adoring grandparents (this is the first grandchild on either side) and I lost it. Sitting in my office, sobbing quietly because I didn’t want to upset J, I couldn’t help but think, again, how unfair this all is. I don’t begrudge these friends their joy, at all, but it’s still So. Damn. Hard.

Countdown: 8 days until Lupron.

10 comments:

  1. I segregated my list for the same reason. I understand why some bloggers choose not to do so, but I feel like it's helpful to offer a bit of a warning to anyone who might use the links to check out a site they haven't seen before. Because I'm still pretty new to this community, I've found lots of the blogs I read through the blogrolls of those I already knew. There were long spans of time when I couldn't bring myself to go searching for new blogs to read because it seemed like every one I clicked on turned out to be pregnant.

    I think you put it very well. I like keeping up with these stories, but I have to be able to do it on my own terms sometimes.

    I'm excited for you to start lupron!

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  2. I recently rearranged my Bloglines list for the same reason. I'm so sorry about the hardness of it all. It is unfair.

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  3. I really like the "starry starry list." I remember how it felt when I was just starting to read blogs and how frustrating it was to click on a link only to read about pregnancy. This is a good thing.

    -Suz

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  4. Up until now I've been too lazy to rejig my list, but your system is good idea and one that will require minimal effort for me to copy! :)

    A very dear, old friend just invited me out to the suburbs to visit her and her darling toddlers. I so want to go bc I haven't seen this friend in ages and she never gets into the city anymore. Her children are precious and while I don't begrudge her her abundant fertility, I'm just not sure I can handle going out there when I'm feeling so fragile. The last thing I want to do is break into sobs right in front of her and the babies, you know? Don't know where I'm going with this except to say that I agree with you... This IS all so hard.

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  5. I have been blogging for a year now and have noticed that I go through cycles. Sometimes I dream of being moved over to the starred lists and then I wake up and realize that it was all a dream.

    Thinking of you and hoping so much for your future star.

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  6. I have my list in bloglines separated out. The reason I don't separate it on my web site is because I hate having to move someone from pregnant back to TTC. Especially when it was myself.

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  7. I think that is a brilliant idea. I have my bookmarks that way. I think you put it really beautifully - there were days when I found pgs really inspiring, & others when it wasn't.

    So close...I'll be routing for you!

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  8. I keep meaning to do this to my blogroll, but haven't yet, because it would seem so terrible to have to move someone from 'pregnant' back to 'not' after a miscarriage. That transition is so hard to make.
    But I like your system of stars...perhaps I will think of something similar.

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  9. Stars are a great idea.

    I'm sorry about the pain you're feeling/felt at this new baby. It is hard. Somedays I love seeing my friends babies, but other times I'm really not interested. That's when i think i'm protecting myself.

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  10. I've segregated my list, too. It's easier for me, although I also understand why people don't. Keep looking after yourself, cass, this is just hard. Avoid the babies if you need to - you are your first responsibility.

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