Sunday, October 23, 2005

Starry starry list

I’ve been following, with interest, the various discussions about pregnant infertile bloggers. I get the whole survivor’s guilt thing. And the not knowing how to talk about it. Heck, I'm not even sure how to talk about my impending IVF. But I also get the desire to follow the story, to maintain the connection. Pregnant infertiles (and infertile moms) are like little rays of hope - reminding me that pregnancy and motherhood are possible, and achievable in many ways, and that’s encouraging and inspiring. It’s also painful, sometimes. And that’s okay, too. I want to know that the stories are there. Most of the time, I want to keep up with the details - the news, the progress, the ups and downs. Sometimes, when I’m not feeling particularly strong, I want to take a break from those stories. But even then, knowing the stories are out there when I’m ready to pick them up again helps me envision a place beyond where I am right now.

You may have noticed that I’ve recently annotated my blogroll. I know this sort of reorganizing is sometimes contentious, but in the interests of self-preservation, it was something I had to do. I didn’t want to break up the blogroll, but on those days when I’m feeling really fragile, I wanted a way to remind myself to tread cautiously. Some days, I’m fragile hearing about pregnancy symptoms. Some days it’s baby stories. I don’t want to stop reading these stories. I feel incredibly invested in their outcomes. But I need to be able to control how and when I catch up. Hence the star system. [I’ve indicated pregnant bloggers with a * (generally waiting until well into the pregnancy to do so, as much for superstitious reasons as anything else). I’ve indicated blogs that are largely about babies with two **. ] It’s rough, and it may change with time (hearing about babies - at least those whose conception was not taken for granted - is sometimes uplifting, actually) but for now it’s my imperfect attempt to buffer the world I’m in from the one I long to join. It’s also my way of putting a warning on blogs so those bloggers don’t need to warn me each time a post contains mention of pregnancy. Because, really, once you’re pregnant it seems reasonable that many of your posts would contain mention of pregnancy.


Oh, and the pregnant friend whose impending delivery I mentioned in my last post? She delivered a healthy, HUGE (really, majorly huge) baby by c-section a couple of days ago. I was fine, initially. Caught up in the sheer size of the infant. And then I went to look at the pictures, and found a chronicle of the whole pregnancy, and comments from the adoring grandparents (this is the first grandchild on either side) and I lost it. Sitting in my office, sobbing quietly because I didn’t want to upset J, I couldn’t help but think, again, how unfair this all is. I don’t begrudge these friends their joy, at all, but it’s still So. Damn. Hard.

Countdown: 8 days until Lupron.


  1. I segregated my list for the same reason. I understand why some bloggers choose not to do so, but I feel like it's helpful to offer a bit of a warning to anyone who might use the links to check out a site they haven't seen before. Because I'm still pretty new to this community, I've found lots of the blogs I read through the blogrolls of those I already knew. There were long spans of time when I couldn't bring myself to go searching for new blogs to read because it seemed like every one I clicked on turned out to be pregnant.

    I think you put it very well. I like keeping up with these stories, but I have to be able to do it on my own terms sometimes.

    I'm excited for you to start lupron!

  2. I recently rearranged my Bloglines list for the same reason. I'm so sorry about the hardness of it all. It is unfair.

  3. I really like the "starry starry list." I remember how it felt when I was just starting to read blogs and how frustrating it was to click on a link only to read about pregnancy. This is a good thing.


  4. Up until now I've been too lazy to rejig my list, but your system is good idea and one that will require minimal effort for me to copy! :)

    A very dear, old friend just invited me out to the suburbs to visit her and her darling toddlers. I so want to go bc I haven't seen this friend in ages and she never gets into the city anymore. Her children are precious and while I don't begrudge her her abundant fertility, I'm just not sure I can handle going out there when I'm feeling so fragile. The last thing I want to do is break into sobs right in front of her and the babies, you know? Don't know where I'm going with this except to say that I agree with you... This IS all so hard.

  5. I have been blogging for a year now and have noticed that I go through cycles. Sometimes I dream of being moved over to the starred lists and then I wake up and realize that it was all a dream.

    Thinking of you and hoping so much for your future star.

  6. I have my list in bloglines separated out. The reason I don't separate it on my web site is because I hate having to move someone from pregnant back to TTC. Especially when it was myself.

  7. I think that is a brilliant idea. I have my bookmarks that way. I think you put it really beautifully - there were days when I found pgs really inspiring, & others when it wasn't.

    So close...I'll be routing for you!

  8. I keep meaning to do this to my blogroll, but haven't yet, because it would seem so terrible to have to move someone from 'pregnant' back to 'not' after a miscarriage. That transition is so hard to make.
    But I like your system of stars...perhaps I will think of something similar.

  9. Stars are a great idea.

    I'm sorry about the pain you're feeling/felt at this new baby. It is hard. Somedays I love seeing my friends babies, but other times I'm really not interested. That's when i think i'm protecting myself.

  10. I've segregated my list, too. It's easier for me, although I also understand why people don't. Keep looking after yourself, cass, this is just hard. Avoid the babies if you need to - you are your first responsibility.