Sunday, May 21, 2006

Neither here nor there

I meant to post something profound on Mother’s Day, something about how it’s different this year, or not, or whatever. And I just couldn’t do it. In some ways it IS different. At our family gathering, people gave me Mother’s Day cards. (J, thankfully, saved his for a more private time.) I wasn’t the one doing the setup/cleanup as I have been in years past.

Maybe this is the source of my ambivalence: one time, several years ago, after my mother and my aunt were the primary worker-bees while some new, young, non-mom extended-family-members just sat around, my mom made a request that the non-moms be responsible for Mother’s Day. Which made sense at the time, sorta, though every year that I was again a non-mom through no choice of my own it sucked more. Especially last year when we decided to just skip Mother’s Day all together. But this year I wanted to see my mom and my grandma, and so we went.

And it felt weird. Weird to be considered a mom. I mean, I feel a sense of protectiveness toward the babies, and I do think of them as my babies, but that’s an internal, private sort of motherhood - not the kind you get a Hallmark card for.

Maybe it was all too much. At Monday’s ultrasound, the radiologist who reviewed the u/s shots said my cervix was “dynamic” - which sounds so positive and energetic, but really means that the length changed during the course of my wanding, which concerned them a bit. If I weren’t already on bedrest, I think that would have put me here. (In fact, the on-call doc was concerned enough to call my peri and consult with him about what they wanted me to do, which was the scariest part of the whole thing.)

Personally, I’m blaming the u/s tech, who had a very weird insertion technique for the transvag wand. As in, she sorta aimed for the wrong spot. I never thought I’d miss the people who asked me to self-insert, but after this I’d be tempted to offer.

More updates from bedrest-land to come...


  1. Me, I just thank heavens every time I read one of these posts that we don't do mothers day as such a big production over here. It all sounds like torture.

    Sorry to hear that your cervix is playing up. How are you keeping yourself entertained while on bed rest? What does bed rest actually mean? You can have showers, right?

  2. I know what you mean re: ambivilence toward it all. I find it more stressful than anything- it reminds me of painful years past, DH never seems to quite get that I'd rather have a fun day with him & my son or a day to myself, and not a day hanging out with his parents. But yet, I can't really complain about it because I have what so many people want. But its become just a Hallmark holiday rather than something that has much meaning, and I find it more a pain in the a** than anything else.

    Bedrest sucks. I hope you have strategies for keeping yourself entertained.

  3. Bedrest was one of the hardest things I've ever done, and nobody wha hasn't been here can truly understand just how hard it can be. I'm still not sure what to make of the whole complicated experience, but I'm glad I never have to wonder if I did everything I could to keep them in as long as I could. I bet you'll love Mother's Day next year, when you have healthy babies in your arms to show for it! Thanks for the blogroll link.

  4. So, are you on bedrest for the duration? Or is there a chance that you might get sprung?

    I hope you have lots of things to keep you occupied. Though, I'm sure it get old real quick, regardless.

    And I hope your cervix realizes that it needs to chill out for a while yet!

  5. Bedrest sounds tough. I hope you're not too bored.