We’ve come so far. It’s not that things are settled, at all, but it’s starting to sink in that we’re here - we have these two wonderful babies, at home, with us. And yet it’s already slipping away. Part of that is good - I don’t actually need to remember the details of their delivery or our hospital stay.* But I’m also starting to forget what it was like in those first, precious days at home. And I’m scared that soon I’ll start to forget this - the grunts and snorts as they feel their bodies working, the furrowed brow as B-Boy studies the world, the switch from peaceful to so frustrated as MissM nurses. It’s not all perfect, but it’s all ours.
I’m trying to be better about jotting down notes (I think B-Boy smiled today and it looks like he’s going to have a dimple - MissM had some good tummy time) and taking pictures, but it’s not enough. Even as I’m experiencing it, it’s slipping away and we’re moving to a new stage. And that’s going to be wonderful too. But bittersweet.
People say having boy/girl twins is an instant family - now we’re all done. And I just don’t know. I can’t comprehend having any more kids now, obviously, but I’m not ready to say we won’t ever want them. The babies are outgrowing some of their tiniest clothes, and I’m boxing them up and putting them away. We might need them someday. And yet, we might not. This might be my only chance to experience these stages - to watch my babies discover the world. And I don’t want to miss it.
* I was sorting through the pictures J has sorted by week on his computer, and came across the folder from the first day - most of which were pictures I never saw. Pictures from the delivery room. Pictures of B-Boy all wapped up in the NICU. Pictures of J holding MissM in the NICU (where they kept her until I was stabilized). Pictures of the CPAP. Weird to see things in pictures I didn’t see firsthand. Very weird.
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I understand! I look back at photos of the first few weeks and I am struggling to remember, she changes so quickly.
ReplyDeleteI find myself watching shows about birth and newbors during late-hours nursing sessions, in hopes they'll jog my memory. I feel this overpowering need to burn each day into my brain in some indelible way.
ReplyDeleteBoxing up the tiny clothes...ah, it hurts. I just want the world to stand still for a while. But the change is also an overpowering delight.
Thinking of you,
Bugs
Oh yes, can completely relate to this. It's as if he grows before my eyes and he was such a weeny baby when we came home from the hospital nearly 8 weeks ago. At the time people kept saying how wonderful those early weeks were, they were right.
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