Friday, December 23, 2005

Twinkle Twinkle

So this week’s freak out was caused partially by being so close to deadline on these papers (I’m working through the final edits right now) and mostly by the fact that at Monday’s u/s we saw two sacs. Yes, I’ve been holding out on you. The news freaked us out more than it should have, and talking about it would have made it more concrete than I think we could comprehend at that point. I mean, it’s not like we didn’t know that was a possibility, and we transferred two excellent blasts, and did acupuncture, and everything else we were supposed to do, but I don’t think we really imagined that this is how it would end up. So we spent a couple of days adjusting, and freaking out, and researching, and eating lime popcicles (okay, that was just me), and slowly got used to the idea just enough to contemplate that it might really happen.

And then came today’s ultrasound, where we got to see two twinkly little heartbeats.

Ohmygodwhathavewegottenourselvesinto! I know that we are so incredbily blessed by this possibility and I don’t want to come across as an ingrate. But I also know that this complicates things now and in the future. That it raises some risks. That it increases the chances of having a complicated pregnancy, of gestational diabetes, of preeclampsia, of a premature delivery. I am not anticipating the worst, but I’m not trying to sugar coat the risks. I have watched too many people struggle with even singleton pregnancies - I know it’s not all just ginger ale and flowers from this point forward in any pregnancy, but especially so with twins. And a bit of me is in mourning - I’m not one of those people who looked forward to twins because then we’d be done with all of this. I definitely want more than one kid, but I always imagined them coming one at a time. We have an embarassment of riches 11 frozen blasts, and I was looking forward to using some of them. And yes, I know we still might (I just can’t think that far ahead right now). And I know that just because there are two now doesn’t mean I’ll end up with two in the end. But for all of these reasons, it’s complicated and I needed some time to process.

I have to say, I do so love the internets. First, for worrying about me and making sure I was okay when I didn’t post as expected. I feel so blessed to think that there are people out there thinking about me. And I love that there are other bloggers who have gone before me - that I can read through Persephone’s post at a similar point and be reassured that my internal conflict seems competely normal - at least based on my admittedly limited sample size. (In fact, Persephone said almost EXACTLY what I would have said if I could focus just a bit more. So go read it, and mostly that’s what I’m thinking.)

So, yes. We are still adjusting. My mom was in town this morning so we brought her back to the exam room to see the twinkles. Otherwise, we haven’t told anyone. I think we’ll tell J’s parents on Sunday after we get to DC. (And my dad too, at some point. I think he was hoping for twins, actually.) And then we wait.

I know it’s still early and things could change. But for now, my twinkles are doing fine. And that is a fabulous gift.

20 comments:

  1. What a lovely, lovely gift you have! I so wish the best for you and your family, and the best possible New Year!

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  2. How marvelous and frightening at the same time. Everyone talks about the dreaded 2WW but when you get a positive, the worry, the anticipation only accumulates for basically the rest of your lives. Two twinkles may mean double the worry, but as you know, it's double the blessing as well.

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  3. Oh my gosh..wow! Sending you the best.

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  4. Wow! That's great! I can imagine how it would completely freak you out though. Our ultrasound is Monday and I was trying to think of that possibility when the reality of what that would mean hit me.

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  5. Congrats on two good ultrasounds! You've got plenty of time to get used to the idea of twins, it'll happen. Hope you guys have a happy and safe holiday!

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  6. Wow! Congratulations! I'm sure it must be a bit overwhelming at the moment, but I dare say you'll get used to the idea in the next nine (problem-free) months. Happy holidays!

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  7. Congratulations on your two twinklie lights!

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  8. That is awesome news. Even though you know its a possibility going into this, it must still be a bit of a shock to you.
    Feeling a bit ambivalent is normal, but it will pass.

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  9. Wow, congratulations. I understand the mixed emotions.

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  10. Mozel Tov!!!! Your feelings are veyr understandable!

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  11. I agree with D - twice the worry, but also twice the blessing. Congratulations to you!! You deserve all the happiness in the world.

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  12. Wow... just... wow. Congrats!!

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  13. Wow!

    I am so incredibly happy for you two, er four.

    Wishing you all the best.

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  14. Oh my gosh!! Coming in late to say congratulations! Of course you are freaked out right now but, wow, it is so amazing. I will hope and pray that the two sweet heartbeats develop into two sweet babies.

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  15. Hey, Cass!!

    Just a quick note to say what a treat it was to meet you last week. I'm delighted that the two West Coasters managed to meet up all the way in D.C.... makes the magic of the internet seem all the more wondrous. chuckle.

    Also, although we didn't actually specifically talk about your mixed emotions about the twins, I just wanted to add my two bits to this post and say that what you write here makes total and complete sense. One of the things our lunch really highlighted for me... is that although we ALL have been on such widely varying infertility journeys... with different motives and circumstances... the underlying... what... what do I call it... wound, maybe(?)... seems to have graced us with a mutual respect, empathy, and understanding that transcends any differences. Does that make sense?

    Hmmm.... I think I need to mull that over a bit longer... I think I see the kindling of a post there...

    Anyway, much affection to all FOUR of you... and see you on the blogs.

    MWAH!

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  16. Holy moly, what fabulous news!!!! Congrats!!!

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  17. Cass I sooooooo knew you were having twins!! Congratulations girl :) :)

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  18. Cass, this all sounded SO familiar that I was going to leave note saying I could have written the exact same thing. I guess I don't need to. :)

    Congratulations, and I hope you and your twin(kle)s are all doing well! Hopefully you'll have a lot of months to get used to this...

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