stupid vampires

The lab at the evil-HMO is like a really dumb vampire. They’re in the mood for something nice and tasty, and then they get me instead - bitter and pissy. Sounds yummy.

I went back to the lab for a follow-up from one of the tests the NP ran at my last visit. Apparently my liver function test was off (high or low, she didn’t actually say) and the new RE (whom I’ve never met) wanted to rule out Hepatitis, even though we’re all pretty sure that this has to do with the Glucophage. But I guess it’s good for them to double check.

I tried to go to the lab on Wednesday afternoon - I had some time, I had eaten, I was wearing comfy clothes. Except that the lab closes at 12:30 on Wednesdays. Which I clearly didn’t know. (It was nice for a minute, there, looking at the spacious parking lot that’s usually hard to navigate. Too good to be true, though.)

So I went back to the lab today. The NP had said she’d fax over the lab request, so I stood in line to check in and told the bitchy woman that the form should have been faxed. Of course, she didn’t have it. So she sent me back to the NP (conveniently located next door) to get it. The very nice receptionist at the fertility clinic went to check with the NP and determined that it was waiting for me right there at the front desk of the clinic. Easy enough, if I had known.

So, back to the lab to wait in line again. And then wait. And wait. They seemed to be short staffed. And the waiting room was fairly crowded, and there was this obnoxious guy who was giving a running commentary of the lab and the people and the woman who cried after she left the lab and how it must be a bad lab tech and a big needle and on and on. [Incdentailly, I saw the woman, and I know she was referred from the OB/Gyn clinic next door, which is largely the fertility clinic, so I’m guessing her crying had less to do with the lab tech and more to do with whatever they were checking for today. Dropping beta? Who knows. But I felt for her. She looked so fragile.]

So I finally got called back into the lab, where the tech informed me that iit would be 5 vials of blood. Because he’s a vampire and was getting hungry. I’m a little unsure about this, since it’s just one test, but I realize that it’s really a whole panel of Hep tests, so maybe requires more than one vial. Yes, I was rationalizing. So I told him I needed to lie down for that much blood. [This was supposed to be my experiment in being a normal person in the blood lab who just sits in the chair with the little arm thing and then walks out totally fine. I tend to get a little lightheaded during blood draws, but I’m trying to get out of the pattern. But I wanted to start with a small draw on a non-fasting day.] So he leads me back to the EKG room, which is where I get to lie down for bloodwork (every single time I’ve been to this lab I’ve used this room). Everything seems to be going well - he doesn’t give me grief about needing to lie down (unlike the bitchy woman I had last time who I shouted at - the same bitchy woman at the front desk today). He drew the blood and everything was fine. I got up, feeling mostly fine, and went back to his regular station to pick up my ID card. And then he hands me..... someone else’s card.

Me: This isn’t my card.
Him: It isn’t?
Me: Um, no.
Him: Oh, what’s your name?
Me: [myname] But isn’t it a little late to be asking me that?
Him: Oh, your card is right here. [Attached to MY LAB FORM]
Me: Um, does that mean you ran the wrong blood work?
Him: Nope, the card just got separated.
Me: Are you sure you lying asshole?
Him: Yes, it’s fine. Have a nice day.
Me: [speechless] Thanks for nothing, you stupid vampire.

I thought it seemed like an excessive amount of blood, but then they always seem to want more blood than it seems they should need, so I initially chalked it up to their lab weirdness. But now I’m convinced that the reason he drew five vials of blood and ruined my attempt at normalcy was because he was using the wrong lab order form. Dumb fucking vampire.