Wednesday, March 01, 2006


Sometimes I feel like a bit of a fraud.

When, upon telling someone of the pregnancy, I don't follow it with a cautious note or a worried frown.

When I rest my hand on my growing midsection (for comfort or to clarify that this is not just my fat getting the better of me).

When I make plans for the future that involve paint swatches, or furniture arrangements, or being on maternity leave.

The normalcy of the actions is so foreign to me I feel I must be masquerading - I don't really deserve to plan a nursery, or look at strollers, or joke about how my exhaustion now is just preparation for later sleep deprivation.  (Actually, I find the last one annoying - fraud or no.) 

Yesterday, someone who had just learned of the pregnancy asked if she could touch my belly - it's my first random belly touch.  At least she asked (!) but I couldn't figure out how to say no, politely.  I think as it becomes more frequent (see, there I am assuming it will become more frequent) I'll get better at asking people NOT to touch.  But right now it's all just so foreign that I feel like I'm making it up, bit by bit, as I go along.  Or reciting some script I've heard before, complete with a laugh track.

I had meant to write about telling, and I will, especially since I'm getting to the point where it's hard to avoid.  Meanwhile, J has managed to tell only a few people at work.  In some ways, I want him to tell more so he gets to experience the weird pseudo-normalcy (and brief thrill) of other people's excitement.  But every time another person finds out, it's one more boundary that has fallen and one more mask I have to put on.  No one wants to hear "Yes, I'm pregnant with twins.  At least for now." or "Well, we expect them in July, assuming I can make it that far."  So I bite my tounge, and try to act like I actually believe this is happening.


  1. Yeah boy, I can relate. I feel like such a party pooper when I qualify all my pregnancy statements with "if" and "maybe" and the like, but I can't help it. Fortunately, most of the folks I'm being such a downer with know the whole dirty saga and are pretty sensitive to my situation. It's just one more thing infertility has robbed from us: the ability to be simply, blissfully, innocently pregnant.

  2. Luckily most people who know of the pregnancy know what we went through. Even so, they roll their eyes when the "IF" statements come out. When I tell people that don't know or strangers, I feel the same way.

  3. So did you let her touch your belly? I can't believe people ask things like that... the thought would NEVER occur to me!

  4. I know what you mean! In fact, I was just thinking the same thing this morning. Even though I am adopting I TOTALLY feel like it is all kind of a big joke and not real. When, oh when, will we not feel this way? Hey, we should go to BRU together and fakely go look at all the baby stuff. I am *not* kidding. We can be all like "Well that bouncy seat is cool. Not like we will ever need it or anything!"

  5. Beautifully phrased. It feels like you just snatched my thoughts right from my head and put them into just the right words.

    She's almost here and I still feel like I'm faking it.


  6. it took me a while, til maybe 18 weeks, to start to feel like I wasn't making it up. More recently to believe it would actually happen. You will get there, and feel good. It's ok to feel weird about it and qualify - it's a lot to absorb.