Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Masquerade

Sometimes I feel like a bit of a fraud.

When, upon telling someone of the pregnancy, I don't follow it with a cautious note or a worried frown.

When I rest my hand on my growing midsection (for comfort or to clarify that this is not just my fat getting the better of me).

When I make plans for the future that involve paint swatches, or furniture arrangements, or being on maternity leave.

The normalcy of the actions is so foreign to me I feel I must be masquerading - I don't really deserve to plan a nursery, or look at strollers, or joke about how my exhaustion now is just preparation for later sleep deprivation.  (Actually, I find the last one annoying - fraud or no.) 

Yesterday, someone who had just learned of the pregnancy asked if she could touch my belly - it's my first random belly touch.  At least she asked (!) but I couldn't figure out how to say no, politely.  I think as it becomes more frequent (see, there I am assuming it will become more frequent) I'll get better at asking people NOT to touch.  But right now it's all just so foreign that I feel like I'm making it up, bit by bit, as I go along.  Or reciting some script I've heard before, complete with a laugh track.

I had meant to write about telling, and I will, especially since I'm getting to the point where it's hard to avoid.  Meanwhile, J has managed to tell only a few people at work.  In some ways, I want him to tell more so he gets to experience the weird pseudo-normalcy (and brief thrill) of other people's excitement.  But every time another person finds out, it's one more boundary that has fallen and one more mask I have to put on.  No one wants to hear "Yes, I'm pregnant with twins.  At least for now." or "Well, we expect them in July, assuming I can make it that far."  So I bite my tounge, and try to act like I actually believe this is happening.

6 comments:

  1. Yeah boy, I can relate. I feel like such a party pooper when I qualify all my pregnancy statements with "if" and "maybe" and the like, but I can't help it. Fortunately, most of the folks I'm being such a downer with know the whole dirty saga and are pretty sensitive to my situation. It's just one more thing infertility has robbed from us: the ability to be simply, blissfully, innocently pregnant.

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  2. Luckily most people who know of the pregnancy know what we went through. Even so, they roll their eyes when the "IF" statements come out. When I tell people that don't know or strangers, I feel the same way.

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  3. So did you let her touch your belly? I can't believe people ask things like that... the thought would NEVER occur to me!

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  4. I know what you mean! In fact, I was just thinking the same thing this morning. Even though I am adopting I TOTALLY feel like it is all kind of a big joke and not real. When, oh when, will we not feel this way? Hey, we should go to BRU together and fakely go look at all the baby stuff. I am *not* kidding. We can be all like "Well that bouncy seat is cool. Not like we will ever need it or anything!"

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  5. Beautifully phrased. It feels like you just snatched my thoughts right from my head and put them into just the right words.

    She's almost here and I still feel like I'm faking it.

    --Bugs

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  6. it took me a while, til maybe 18 weeks, to start to feel like I wasn't making it up. More recently to believe it would actually happen. You will get there, and feel good. It's ok to feel weird about it and qualify - it's a lot to absorb.

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