Lonely

(Warning: Long and somewhat whiny post ahead. Probably not as pretty as a long and winding road.)

Last night when we were lying in bed (which is when I always start deep and important conversations - it’s either there or in the car on a long drive -- something about being stuck there with few other distractions I think) I explained to J why I was sad.

I feel really alone in all this, I said.

Not only am I lacking in friends (outside the computer, that is) but I’m the one who is really invested in this process. It’s not a blame game, it’s just that for the most part it’s my body that’s subjected to tests and procedures and the possible side effects of drugs, so I’ve done more reading and more obsessing and he’s coming along a bit more slowly. He’s doing his part as best he can, I think, it’s just that he’s not in the same place I am. And I feel very alone.

The only local friend with whom I’d discussed all this fertility stress is now the Newly Pregnant Friend. NPF is also really early on - she told me at something like 6 weeks, and so I’m both a little incredibly jealous of her and a little worried that something bad could happen. I’m worried that I’m not ready to be that positive friend to her, both because of the jealousy and because I can’t quite grasp the concept of a smooth, uneventful pregnancy. Oh sure, I know they happen. But I have a hard time believing them to be normal. (Kind of like that elusive second line - I know it exists, but I’ve never seen one.) And then of course, I don’t know how to talk to her about my fertility woes now that she’s pregnant. Plus she lied to me - not that I would expect her to tell me they were trying, but she told me they weren’t yet. I know, it’s not a big thing, and she probably thoguht it would hurt my feelings, but there I was offering advice (I think it was advice and not assvice, though if she was already trying then it was just pointless) and being a listening and supportive friend. But whatever. I’m not angry, I’m jealous. And I don’t really know how our friendship will be right now. (It doesn’t help that she just moved 45 minutes away, though we still work on the same campus.)

Also, I broke up with my therapist, because she’s on campus (which I’ve never really liked) and has a professional relationship with NPF. And so I didn’t feel comfortable going in there and venting about NPF - it just didn’t seem right. Plus, she didn’t know about the NP part of things, and it’s not my place to tell her. So I explained all this as best I could without crossing whatever imaginary line I’ve drawn, and now I’m without a therapist. I mean, if I don’t have friends to talk to I should at least be able to buy a listening ear, right? (This was always my theory about my hair, too - short of surgery, I can’t just pay money to fix my body, but I should be able to get a decent haircut that would make me look stunning, right? The theory never quite holds true, though I do like my most recent stylist - and at the price, I’d expect nothing less.)

I read an article the other day about how hard it is to meet other couples, and I really think they’re right. There are systems and rituals in place to meet a mate, and while they don’t always work, it’s a place to start. But how do you meet new friends? I mean, ideally I’d just be able to drop by and hang out with all of you lovely people (you know, bring ice cream or vodka on a bad day, take you out to celebrate good news, commisserate over obnoxious medical people - all that good stuff) but that’s not so convenient for most of you. So, how do you make new friends as an adult? Work is out - those are a diferent category of friends - social and collegial, but not the kind of people you can call when you’re leaving the doctor’s office and can’t reach your spouse. (Or for when you need to vent about the aforementioned spouse. I mean, of course we have a perfect relationship and never need to vent about each other. No, never. Um, yeah, right.)

I’m not sure what the point of all this was. I’m not actually as depressed as I sound from all this. A little stressed out with school things (major papers to be written, and NOW), but otherwise mostly okay. I think lonely has just become normal, and that’s really sad.