Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Why?

I was planning to write a nice coherent post about visiting the city where we used to live, with the friends we used to see casually all the time... but that post will have to wait, because today I got two things - another negative HPT (at 14DPO) and a pregnancy announcement from the only friend here that I’ve talked to about all of this. So as you can probably imagine, I’m not really in any shape to wax poetic about what our lives would be like if we lived where we used to. (Except to say that we used to live in a state that mandates insurance coverage for fertility treatments, which might be part of my drive to move back there.)

So, the newly pregnant friend sent an email, because she (reasonably, of course) didn’t know how I’d react and wanted to give me the space to respond however I needed. Which was tearing up, closing up my computer without completely reading the message, and fleeing the (too public) computer lab. I cried as I walked to my car (thank goodness for days that justify sunglasses) and then when I had safely closed myself into my car I started sobbing. Loudly. And that’s what I’ve been doing on and off for the past several hours. I stopped long enough to go to the grocery store, since we just got back and have nothing to eat, but I sniffled as I walked past the baby aisle, and again every time I saw a stroller. And then I got back in my car and sobbed some more.

WHY? Why, if everything was so perfect this past cycle, am I still getting negative pg tests? Why, with the meds and the acupuncture and the herbs and the diet modifications - why isn’t it working? Why am I putting myself through all of this if there’s no positive result at the end of it all? Why is it so easy for other people? Why did she have to tell me today?

6 comments:

  1. Cass, I'm so sorry. I know how it feels, how you feel right now. And I wish there was something I could say to make it better. Don't feel like you have to talk to her right now, wait until you're ready.
    A big hug.
    Ana

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  2. I hate days like you're experiencing right now. I'm so sorry that it isn't working. I'm in the same boat as you are right now, dealing with crap not working and 2 pregnancy announcement drive-bys this week alone.

    This crap sucks. Hang in there though.

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  3. I'm so sorry, sweetie. Does it help at all to know that I'm right beside you on the shit train right now?

    Hugs, and maybe some cheap wine?

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  4. I am so sorry...I know how it feels and how it SUCKS. Had 2 friends give birth this week, one acknowledges my pain and the other is so self-centered she can bite my ass. I hope you bought a lot of good comfort food at the store.

    A huge hug coming your way,
    Kate

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  5. I have been through this and I understand how super shitty it feels. Big hugs from me to you!

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