Why?

I was planning to write a nice coherent post about visiting the city where we used to live, with the friends we used to see casually all the time... but that post will have to wait, because today I got two things - another negative HPT (at 14DPO) and a pregnancy announcement from the only friend here that I’ve talked to about all of this. So as you can probably imagine, I’m not really in any shape to wax poetic about what our lives would be like if we lived where we used to. (Except to say that we used to live in a state that mandates insurance coverage for fertility treatments, which might be part of my drive to move back there.)

So, the newly pregnant friend sent an email, because she (reasonably, of course) didn’t know how I’d react and wanted to give me the space to respond however I needed. Which was tearing up, closing up my computer without completely reading the message, and fleeing the (too public) computer lab. I cried as I walked to my car (thank goodness for days that justify sunglasses) and then when I had safely closed myself into my car I started sobbing. Loudly. And that’s what I’ve been doing on and off for the past several hours. I stopped long enough to go to the grocery store, since we just got back and have nothing to eat, but I sniffled as I walked past the baby aisle, and again every time I saw a stroller. And then I got back in my car and sobbed some more.

WHY? Why, if everything was so perfect this past cycle, am I still getting negative pg tests? Why, with the meds and the acupuncture and the herbs and the diet modifications - why isn’t it working? Why am I putting myself through all of this if there’s no positive result at the end of it all? Why is it so easy for other people? Why did she have to tell me today?