Hope has left the building

I felt her leave, yesterday. I had been fine - optimistic, even. I was working on a fun project with some folks at school, I was energized, engaged. And then it was gone. I was walking and a wave of sadness hit me, and now that’s all there is.

I ran into a friend yesterday just after this wave of despair hit me. She asked how I was and I replied honestly: “not good.” It’s sad how often people ask how we are and we just say everything is fine when it’s really not. There are few people who ever get an honest answer to that question.

I slept fitfully last night. Lots of dreams. Mostly about testing, or temping, or knowing I was pregnant. Each time I woke up and remembered it was just a dream. And when I finally did get around to it, not even a hint of a line. So, BFN this morning, 14 DPO.

I know there’s still some modicum of chance. I mean, I respond late to medications, so why wouldn’t I just be slow at this too. But the crampy, PMS feeling started yesterday, and now it just feels over.

Plus, I have that headache you get from crying a lot and then having to stop crying to go out in the world and pretend everything is fine.