Dayeinu

Passover is a holiday of thanksgiving, in a way. The phrase Dayeinu means “it would have been enough.” But it is also a story of anguish and despair. Not just the slavery, but the attempts to wipe out the race through the killing of babies - first the Egyptians’ decree regarding the slaying of Jewish boys, then the plague sent by God calling for the death of the firstborn of the Egyptians.

This piece of the story resonates with me this year. I was also thinking about what Bugs said about gratitude toward her husband, and about how there are a lot of ways in which I’m not quite at the point of saying “It would have been enough.” And then I feel ungrateful.

If I had only found my husband, would it be enough?
If I found my husband and was able to share a life with him, would it be enough?
If I shared a life with my husband, but was unable to make a family together...

I don’t want to live my life feeling like it is incomplete, but that’s where I am right now. We’re nowhere near having exhausted the possibilities, so the carrot still dangles just out of reach.

I think this is hitting me especially hard as I sit here in this 2ww. I would say that I’m analyzing every twinge, but since I’m not having any twinges all I can do is contemplate their absence. It’s too early, I know. Way too early. J keeps reassuring me. But Hope snuck in last week, encouraged by my RE’s positivity and good results on the sperm wash, and now she’s lurking in a corner. She won’t come out to play, but I don’t really want her to leave, either.