The excitement is (not) building

You know how on some TV shows they’ll do an episode where some or all of it is a flashback - so the program starts with a moment that makes no sense, and then the rest of the episode fills in the backstory so in the end you’re back where the whole thing started? That’s what this post feels like.

I should be more excited than I am about all of this.

I started my period yesterday. (For those of you counting along at home, my last provera was on Wednesday night, I had some spotting on Thursday, and on Friday I got my period.) I knew it was coming, what with the spotting and all, and I still couldn’t bring myself to call the clinic until 1pm. As much as I want to take these next steps, actually taking them takes a lot of effort.

So I called the clinic to schedule my HSG, and to ask about doing the Clomid/IUI this cycle rather than waiting it out for next cycle (both because of my anxiety at getting this started, and the fact that the likely timing for the next cycle coordinates with our being out of town at a wedding). Of course, I never want anything that’s easy for them. First it was a scheduling thing about the HSG (they only do them on Mondays and Thursdays, and I was trying to coordinate it so J could take me, even though it was looking like he’d have to take me on his birthday). Then it was the Clomid thing. Then a question about stopping/restarting the Glucophage. And something about parking. (That wasn’t me being a problem patient, though.)

I’ve cut out all of the scenes of phone calls back and forth, and messages, and calling again, and not running errands because they’re supposed to call ME. At the end of it all is this: I’ve been given the green light to start the Clomid this cycle (pending my baseline u/s on Tuesday), and we rearranged schedules so we could do the HSG when they wanted us to (and not on J’s birthday).

I should be more excited than I am about all of this.

Right now, I’m not particularly excited. I had a brief moment of excitement when we finally got everything scheduled, but it quickly faded. I thought it was because I was worried - about the HSG, and about J needing to give me a shot in the ass (potentially before he’s had the class where he learns how). But while I’m worried about those things, I don’t think that’s what’s keeping me from the thrill. I’m worried that it’s the protective mechanism kicking in already - whispering, “Don’t get TOO excited - you’ll jinx it” or worse, “You’ll get your hopes up and then be crushed.”

But I’m trying to be more positive about things, or at least less bitter up front. Not that bitter doesn’t suit me, but I had a conversation with my mom a couple of weeks ago (that I blogged about and then didn’t post for some unknown reason) about all the mind/body research and how thinking positively can impact health. At the time, it sounded an awful lot like “just relax” and so obviously I got irritated and didn’t really listen. But in thinking about it later, I figured it couldn’t hurt. I’m not going to be Pollyanna or anything, but I’m trying to be more aware of my language choices. (Her point was specifically in regard to my saying I “couldn’t” have caffeine, when it was in fact a choice I was making for my health and the potential fertility benefits, and one that I was fairly happy to have made.) All that is to say that I’m not sure I really know how to be positive about all of this. I’m just trying not to be negative - at least not before it’s warranted.

So I’ll end with this instead: Any words of advice on either the HSG or our first IM shot in the ass? Information being more powerful than blind anticipation, or something like that. But please, not too many horror stories, okay? I don’t think I could take being any less excited at this point.